I’m Back!

Hey everyone. I know it’s been a hot minute since I last blogged, but I’m back!

First let me update on all the crazy. Let’s go back two years to January 2018. Sorry but that’s where the crazy started.

The year was new and after applying and interviewing for a number of jobs, I received an offer to be an engineering manager. My first manager role! I was so excited. I accepted the offer went home and found out I was pregnant. After 10 months of trying to get pregnant and slightly longer applying for manager jobs, both happened all at once. I was excited and scared.

But as the hobbits say:

And boy has it been.

In February 2018, I signed with my literary agent. Now things were really rocking and rolling. My day job was a huge learning curve in addition to being responsible for 17 employees, I was planning for a new baby and to be a first time mom, and working edits on a manuscript to put on submission to editors.

I was generating a plan for my new job, a plan for the new baby, and a plan for going on sub with my manuscript. Things were busy, but I was in total learning and prepare mode.

Fast forward to Summer 2018. I got an email from my agent giving me one more round of edits then she wanted to run line edits before we went on sub. AWESOME. I’d be on sub while I had my baby and life would be good. I’d be distracted with adjusting to momhood and she could sell my book.

It was PERFECT…

But…

Two weeks later, I got an email from my agent saying she was taking another job in publishing and she couldn’t take her clients with her.

To say that let the wind out of my sails was an understatement. I was two and a half months from my due date, and I would no longer be on sub while pregnant. I scrambled to get the edits done and requery my manuscript, but not much panned out. And as my due date approached, I put all my energy into transitioning my job to the temp manager taking over for me and completing final preparations for baby.

My son arrived bright and early (12:29am) on a Thursday in October. And let me say new parenting is no joke. Sleep doesn’t happen, eating happens at odd hours (or over several hours in between diapers and laundry and holding a little one), and showers are luxury. Anyone that tells you maternity leave is a vacation is kidding themselves. I had grand plans to catch up on TV shows, read books, and write a bit.

Well not much of any of that happened and before I knew it I was back at work with an almost 5 month old in daycare. That transition was rough (that will be a whole other post). I didn’t have five seconds for myself let alone time to write.

And writing didn’t happen. Pretty much at all. For about the last about year and half years. My son is 15 months old now, so you do the math. And boy was the guilt about not writing real. People told me I had a lot going on and it was okay to take a break. I still felt awful about it. 1.5 years felt like too long. And yet I still struggled to get words on the page. I tried new words, editing old words, finishing existing projects... NOTHING WORKED. It was infuriating.

Fast forward to today. It’s 2020, I finally feel like I have some control over my life again, and I want to make something happen. I’m reading more (or trying to), watching new shows for inspiration, chasing a toddler, and still managing a team of employees.

In the spirit of making things happen, there will be news this year. I’m planning to have LOTS and LOTS. And in order to keep up with it all, you should subscribe to my newsletter. Go sign up over on the right hand side of my blog bar (or click the link). Because newsletter subscribers will be the first to know all the secret fun things happening this year. You don’t want to miss out.

And I promise this place will have a lot more happening. Because things are moving and shaking once again.

Here’s to an awesome 2020 everyone. Here’s to making things happen.

Dealing with Rejection

I've been rejected... A LOT. Nearly 150 times. And that's just querying. I've entered contests I haven't gotten into. I've gotten into contests and not gotten requests. I've gotten requests from contests that ultimately turned into rejections. And that's just my writing. That doesn't count the jobs I've been rejected for, auditions I've failed to get, leadership groups I haven't gotten into, awards I've been nominated for and didn't get and on and on. Rejections happens everywhere in life. It hurts. It shouldn't be personal, but it sure as shit feels like it sometimes.

I've watched people I've come up through the writing ranks with get agents, book deals, and see their books get published. I've cheered for them and helped them. I've watched people that started after me succeed. Get agents, get book deals, get published. I've cheered for them as well. I love watching people succeed. But that still doesn't change the fact that rejection hurts. A LOT.

I've watched people explain their path to success. Y person entered x contest 3 times and finally got in. (I did too and didn't). So and so got his or her agent on their third manuscript (I'm on my fourth, third that I'm looking at querying). That person got a book deal without an agent (I have no book deals.) and on and on. It's so hard to keep going when you feel like you're behind people. And it's even harder to not compare yourself to others.

I've been thanked in so many books I've lost count. I appreciate the recognition and I'm so glad I was able to help so many others succeed. But that doesn't change the fact that I have a goal. A goal to see my name on the cover of a book, to walk into a book store and see my book on the shelf, to sign books for excited readers, to get fan mail, and one day maybe some fan art for the characters and worlds I've created.

But every time my email goes off my heart sinks. Is this another rejection? Or maybe it's just email. And the silence hurts more. Did they even get my email? Are they ignoring me? Are they ever going to respond? Who even knows anymore. It all hurts so much sometimes.

As a look back on where I started though, that's where thing start to make a little sense. I made mistakes. LOTS OF THEM. I started my first book with someone waking up and staring at themselves in the mirror and describing themselves. I didn't even finish that book.

Then euphoria, I finished a book. I proved to myself I could do it. I researched querying and then the rejections started flowing in. No requests. I entered contests and didn't get in I researched some more. I entered more contests got into a couple. No requests. How embarrassing... I got more feedback and did more research and BAM some partial requests. I never made it to fulls.

Another idea, another manuscript. I proved to myself I could complete more than one. I entered contests I got interest, but didn't get in. Then I got into a contest and actually got requests... for fulls. And I queried and got more requests for partials and fulls. And then the rejections started rolling in. I didn't get much feedback and felt lost. How do I fix this? Is it subjective? Is there something else wrong? I got more feedback from CPS. I rewrote, I queried some more. Got some more requests that also ultimately turned into rejections. Still no usable feedback. I pushed the MS aside.

I wrote another manuscript. Hey I'm getting pretty good at this. I got some feedback. I edited. I entered a contest and wasn't picked. More hurt and pain and wondering what I'm doing wrong. The answer might be nothing. But my gut tells me there's something I'm missing.

So now what? More research? More feedback? Into the query trenches for ultimately more rejections? I have to go with my gut and dive in for more feedback. But what's even the point? I haven't achieved my goal, and I've watched so many others pass me up.

The journey. I've grown so much as a writer and if I'm being completely honest, writing has helped me grow as a person too. In each step I've learned something. I've gotten a little further down the road. I've met more amazing people. Will my next manuscript be the one? Who even knows? But I have a choice, leave the path forever and never reach my goals, or continue down it and see where it takes me.

I'm the curious type so I'm going to continue down the path. And one day, maybe, I might see my dreams come true. I might get to hold that book with my name on the cover. And to me that image makes it all worth it.

Until then, I keep wandering along the path. Will you join me?

The Doubt Gremlin

I’m in an eternal tug of war with myself. I tell myself constantly that I’m good enough, my writing is good enough, and this book is the one. But that doesn’t stop the little gremlin of self-doubt from sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong.

See that guy up there? Isn’t he cute… yeah real cute… until you get him wet and feed him after midnight… then he turns into this guy….

Not so cute anymore is he? And this is exactly what happens when you aren’t diligent about your writing and keeping a positive attitude. It's exhausting. So you turn your back for one minute and the self-doubt gremlin is there rearing his ugly, little head right in your face. And all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. Because let’s face it, when you have a lot of ugly slapping you in the face, constantly mocking you, what is there left to do? 

And then you start asking what the point is and start throwing that Q word around… you know it, it’s a four letter word, and it seems like it would be a much easier path. 

But it’s not.

So what do you do when the gremlins start invading your head? 

You start thinking, re-evaluating, and literally driving yourself crazy. Maybe if I just edit this one more time or if I listen to that new person, or if I rewrite this whole chapter or if if if… And sometimes it works, and other times, you end up with this….

What is that? An ugly self-doubt gremlin in a dress? Well yes, but it’s more than that. It’s you trying to disguise your problem and cover it with a Band-Aid. It’s a temporary fix. You feel better for a short time, but then the gremlins are right there laughing in your face again. In fact, they are enjoying the show.

And how dare they! How can they laugh at you? That’s not cool! You don’t deserve that! You’re better than that.

Now you’re beyond the point of sad, you’re angry, like hulk smash angry! So you decide you’re going to do something about it.

You know you’re good enough and no one can tell you otherwise. You’re going to go out there and put your best foot forward. You’re going to keep going and keep pushing through until you get what you’ve been putting all that time and effort in for. 

Take a deep breath. 

Keep working the things you can control and don’t sweat the stuff you can’t. 

There that’s better isn’t it? 

And when this guy rears his crazy head again….

You’ll be ready for him. You’ll know how to fight back. You’ll laugh at him. Cause let’s face it, a gremlin in a tiara is pretty funny.  And what were we even worried about now?

You Can’t Please Everyone… So Stop Trying!

Ever feel like you are being torn in two trying to please everyone? Yeah that’s me pretty much every day. And it seems to be happening more and more lately. Someone has hold of each of my arms and legs and they are just pulling until I’m busted at the seams.

Okay, well that’s really just a metaphorical me, but it seems like it’s happening with increasing frequency when it comes to my manuscript. One person says one thing, someone else says something completely contradictory, and my head is spinning so fast I look like I need an exorcism. But that’s the thing, just because someone gives you advice, doesn’t mean you are obligated to take it. It is merely that, advice, someone’s opinion.

Writing is so subjective. It’s often difficult to know what feedback to listen to and what to ignore. So how do you know if you are making the right decision? Because you can’t possibly please everyone.

But that’s just it. There is no right decision, at least not in the general sense of the phrase. There is only what is right for you and your story, and what your gut tells you. It’s so hard to follow your gut. But you and only you know your story best, so you have to be true to that. By all means take what resonates with you and let your story evolve. But at the end of the day, you have to be happy with your story first or no one else will. Everyone else will either choose to stand behind you or not. Revel in those that support your vision and don’t sweat the others. Because unfortunately you can’t please everyone, so stop trying!

Give yourself a break. You’ll be better off for it.

Why Each New Book Seems Harder to Write

I never thought the second book I would finish would be harder to write than my first. But now that I've started another draft and it's even more difficult than anything I’ve done before, I often wonder why writing more and more books seems to get harder rather than easier. Of course certain aspects are easier, I know what cliches to avoid, what words to stay away from, how to show not tell and basically how to avoid the "rookie" writing mistakes. But the actual writing of the book, the completion of the draft seems to get increasingly difficult. So I started to think about why that is and came up with the following reasons:

Constantly stretching oneself.

As writers we strive to do better. Our goals get bigger, which means we tend to take on harder more complex concepts as we go. And with those bigger goals the mind often struggles to keep up. We start to wonder if we are reaching too high, if we’ve gone outside the realm of our capabilities. If we are in over our heads. All these questions can cripple the writing process, which leads directly into the next issue…

Self-doubt.

The more we write, the more the brain starts to catch up. The worry increases. We wonder can I really do this again? What kind of mess have I gotten myself into this time? Even worse, we think the rest of the world will discover the truth about us—that we have no freaking idea what we are doing. How long can we really fake it, and when will someone stand there with their finger pointed at us saying haha I caught you? The whole idea is completely daunting. All the self-doubt then leads to undue…

Pressure.

Naturally the more we write the more we expect ourselves to improve. In fact, so do our critique partners and our readers. Constantly getting better is important but it's also exhausting. And the thoughts that we constantly have to be better creep into the mind when writing that first draft. Which makes it ever so difficult to write and even harder to finish. We as writers have to step back and re-allow ourselves to have shitty first drafts. We are allowed to suck, and once we remember that it relieves some of the pressure. But with that pressure also comes the drive to…

Strive for uniqueness.

They say every person has a book in them. And in many ways that first book is easy because the ideas just flow. Not that finishing is easy, in fact finishing my first book was the most difficult thing I’d ever done. But the more books we write, the more we have to pay attention to what we've done in the past, and continue to strive for something new and different. We don’t want to keep writing the same characters in new settings or new characters in the same situations that we've written about before. We want to write new characters with new stories and our readers want the same. We need to continue to push ourselves, but again it’s exhausting.

The good news is, we as writers aren’t alone. We all go through this. And once we diagnose the issues we are having, we can usually get right back into a draft. We can continue to better ourselves as writers and stretch our limits beyond what we thought possible.

So what are some of the things that make your writing more difficult and what do you do to carry on?