A Manuscript’s Journey

Since I recently signed with my awesome agent Kira Watson, I wanted to take a step back and break down my process on the manuscript and talk about the amount of time and effort it took to ultimately sign with my agent. Some of this is to reflect back, but also to allow others to see how perseverance and hard work (a lot of it) can pay off. Before I landed an agent, I really had no idea the amount of work that went into a manuscript to get it to the point where someone would ultimately say yes!

In order to walk you through the process, we have to go all the way back to 2012. Yes I said 2012. I had just started querying my first completed manuscript (second manuscript I’d written) and a shiny new idea grabbed hold of me. I was driving in my car and a weird thought popped into my head. What if you never got lost, ever? (Ironically I was not lost at the time) What if you could have a map with you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days and year? And that idea would become a story I dubbed TRACKER220. Of course from there the idea exploded. If you could carry a tracking device with you at all time, what other good and bad things would come from it?

With that sense of wonder and question I started writing. And for some reason I couldn’t stop. The idea kept going and going and going until before I knew it I had a finished draft. Then I was shuttling it off to critique partners. Everyone that read it enjoyed the concept and had valuable input. I spent even more time editing and incorporating their amazing feedback. This story felt special.

And yet when I set my first manuscript aside and put it in the metaphorical drawer because I wasn’t gaining much traction with it, I had this nagging feeling that TRACKER maybe wasn’t quite ready for the query trenches.

I posted my query and pages on Write On Con and got additional feedback from writers and Ninja agents. I continued to edit, but still felt like something wasn’t 100% there.

At this point it was the summer of 2014. I set my sites on Pitch Wars, a contest that allowed you to be selected by a mentor to work with you to improve your manuscript before an agent round and querying. It sounded like exactly what I needed to get over the hump and get my polished manuscript not just query ready but request ready.

I put in my submission for the four mentors I thought would be best for my manuscript and then I waited. And eventually I got a full request from a mentor, then a second full request from another mentor. Surely this was a good sign. But when the mentor/mentee match list went up I wasn’t on it.

I WAS DEVASTATED.

I cried… a lot.

I didn’t feel ready to query, but also didn’t know how to make my manuscript better than it currently was. I felt stuck despite really believing in my mansucript. But one of the mentors sent me an extremely encouraging feedback email. I really enjoyed your manuscript. I think you are query ready, and I wish I had some time to help you hone it even further.

Did she say query ready?

After that I put on my big girl pants and sent out a few queries. I quickly got a full request and was shocked at how fast it came. Maybe this mentor was right.

With some new found encouragement I also entered Baker’s Dozen. I wasn’t expecting to get in. After all Pitch Wars hadn’t turned out how I had hoped. And as I suspected, when the email notification went out, my inbox was empty. But then a moment later it dinged. One of my CPs who has also entered was reaching out. Isn’t TRACKER220 your manuscript? I scrolled the list and sure enough it was on there but with a different author’s name by it. Had it been a mistake? I emailed Authoress and sure enough it had been. I was in! So on that fateful day in December when the manuscripts went up for auction, I landed two additional full requests.

Now I really felt like I was getting somewhere. I continued forward getting involved in twitter pitch events and getting a lot of positive remarks from writers saying they loved the concept and couldn’t wait to read a story like mine. And even got a lot of requests from agents and small pubs during the events. I also entered Sun vs Snow and got in to that as well!

But as the year moved into 2015, I got no requests during Sun vs Snow and the full rejections from Baker’s Dozen rolled in too. I felt lost again, but that my story really was something special and that I couldn’t give up on it.

By the middle of 2015 I was sitting on some agent feedback from the full rejections. The agents didn’t connect enough (whatever that meant) and a couple sited that they had hoped for more world building.

WORLD BUILDING?

What did that even mean? That could be any number of things. I didn’t know where to start. I struggled to wrap my brain around how to fix world building in the manuscript, but knew that it was probably a real issue because more than one agent had pointed it out.

And still I stewed and spun my wheels. (oh and I got married in October 2015 which slowed me down a bit)

Until I decided maybe it was time to pull back. I spent months revising the manuscript and getting more feedback with respect to the world and character development in the story. I completed a major edit that included adding scenes to help further define the technology and world. I got one more round of feedback to make sure I was on the right track before I dove back into the query trenches again in summer/fall of 2016.

I felt so much better about the manuscript this time. I continued to pitch during twitter contests and got more requests as well as full requests from my queries. I found new agents to query and kept pushing forward.

Until I nudged an agent who had had my manuscript for over 3 months (for those keeping track we are now in March of 2017). Finally she responded. She loved the concept and many aspects of the story, but ultimately something had made her pause. The world. The reader was told a lot about how the world worked through the main characters eyes, but the reader wasn’t really shown. And because of that, the agent decided to pass.

BUT she said if I would like to revise, she’d be happy to take another look.

When I first read the email I was furious. All I saw was world building as a problem yet again. Hadn’t I already fixed that? How could it still be broken? And because of that anger, I’d completely missed how much the agent actually enjoyed my manuscript, and the fact that she believed in it enough to give me another shot.

After I took some time to cool down and really consider what she had to say, I 100% agreed with every piece of feedback she had given me. And even better the ideas on how to fix it were already flowing. I sat on it for a day and talked it over with some of my critique partners. I was pretty sure I was going to do the revision.

And when I woke up the next morning EUREKA! Something I had always known about my main character but had never been able to make matter to the story finally had its place. I had always known my main character was Jewish, but I never mentioned it before because it didn’t seem important to the story…until this agent’s feedback. With the way she had explained the world building, if I incorporated how the main character was Jewish, I could show her struggles with the technology and her religion simultaneously. With the technology built into my story it was in direct conflict with Jewish beliefs and observances of the Sabbath. Now I had something.

I emailed the agent and let her know I’d like to work a revision and would get back to her when I finished. Then I went to work. I red lined the whole manuscript. Looked for places to really show how the technology worked, pulled in Jewish traditions, beliefs, and identity struggles and even rearranged a series of chapters to fix the flow of the story and increase the pace in the middle.

All in all, it took me a solid SIX MONTHS to complete the edits. And when I did, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had a much stronger manuscript. But I still wasn’t sure if the agent would like the direction I took the story. She’d mentioned world building, not incorporating religion into the story. What if she hated the story now?

I swallowed down the feelings of doubt and sent it off in October of 2017. Then I queried some additional agents and waited, and waited…

AND WAITED.

Until that fateful day when I finally had an offer in hand (January 2018 for those still keeping track). It wasn’t the agent who requested the R&R but another agent who offered. So I notified the agent who requested the R&R and she was in the middle of reading and had really positive things to say as well. And a few days later she too offered. And I signed with the second agent!

But none of this wouldn’t have been possible without the time I took to edit and polish. The leaps of faith I took and the pauses. Taking the time to step back re-evaluate and rework was invaluable. The continued effort to improve the manuscript and my craft was exactly what I needed. Not taking no for an answer and using it as fuel to light the fire that led to achieving my goal was the icing on the cake.

When it was all said and done, from initial thought to offer, it was just shy of 5 years or writing, editing and querying off and on. And five years and one day after I sent my first query for my other manuscript. All because I refused to give up. Because I listened to that nagging voice in my head that this story had to be told and it was good enough to get noticed.

I still have work ahead of me on this manuscript, but all the hard work has definitely paid off. And I now know what it takes to take something from idea to magic.

Dealing with Rejection

I've been rejected... A LOT. Nearly 150 times. And that's just querying. I've entered contests I haven't gotten into. I've gotten into contests and not gotten requests. I've gotten requests from contests that ultimately turned into rejections. And that's just my writing. That doesn't count the jobs I've been rejected for, auditions I've failed to get, leadership groups I haven't gotten into, awards I've been nominated for and didn't get and on and on. Rejections happens everywhere in life. It hurts. It shouldn't be personal, but it sure as shit feels like it sometimes.

I've watched people I've come up through the writing ranks with get agents, book deals, and see their books get published. I've cheered for them and helped them. I've watched people that started after me succeed. Get agents, get book deals, get published. I've cheered for them as well. I love watching people succeed. But that still doesn't change the fact that rejection hurts. A LOT.

I've watched people explain their path to success. Y person entered x contest 3 times and finally got in. (I did too and didn't). So and so got his or her agent on their third manuscript (I'm on my fourth, third that I'm looking at querying). That person got a book deal without an agent (I have no book deals.) and on and on. It's so hard to keep going when you feel like you're behind people. And it's even harder to not compare yourself to others.

I've been thanked in so many books I've lost count. I appreciate the recognition and I'm so glad I was able to help so many others succeed. But that doesn't change the fact that I have a goal. A goal to see my name on the cover of a book, to walk into a book store and see my book on the shelf, to sign books for excited readers, to get fan mail, and one day maybe some fan art for the characters and worlds I've created.

But every time my email goes off my heart sinks. Is this another rejection? Or maybe it's just email. And the silence hurts more. Did they even get my email? Are they ignoring me? Are they ever going to respond? Who even knows anymore. It all hurts so much sometimes.

As a look back on where I started though, that's where thing start to make a little sense. I made mistakes. LOTS OF THEM. I started my first book with someone waking up and staring at themselves in the mirror and describing themselves. I didn't even finish that book.

Then euphoria, I finished a book. I proved to myself I could do it. I researched querying and then the rejections started flowing in. No requests. I entered contests and didn't get in I researched some more. I entered more contests got into a couple. No requests. How embarrassing... I got more feedback and did more research and BAM some partial requests. I never made it to fulls.

Another idea, another manuscript. I proved to myself I could complete more than one. I entered contests I got interest, but didn't get in. Then I got into a contest and actually got requests... for fulls. And I queried and got more requests for partials and fulls. And then the rejections started rolling in. I didn't get much feedback and felt lost. How do I fix this? Is it subjective? Is there something else wrong? I got more feedback from CPS. I rewrote, I queried some more. Got some more requests that also ultimately turned into rejections. Still no usable feedback. I pushed the MS aside.

I wrote another manuscript. Hey I'm getting pretty good at this. I got some feedback. I edited. I entered a contest and wasn't picked. More hurt and pain and wondering what I'm doing wrong. The answer might be nothing. But my gut tells me there's something I'm missing.

So now what? More research? More feedback? Into the query trenches for ultimately more rejections? I have to go with my gut and dive in for more feedback. But what's even the point? I haven't achieved my goal, and I've watched so many others pass me up.

The journey. I've grown so much as a writer and if I'm being completely honest, writing has helped me grow as a person too. In each step I've learned something. I've gotten a little further down the road. I've met more amazing people. Will my next manuscript be the one? Who even knows? But I have a choice, leave the path forever and never reach my goals, or continue down it and see where it takes me.

I'm the curious type so I'm going to continue down the path. And one day, maybe, I might see my dreams come true. I might get to hold that book with my name on the cover. And to me that image makes it all worth it.

Until then, I keep wandering along the path. Will you join me?

The Common Problems With Sci Fi

 

Over the weekend I saw Jupiter Ascending. While I enjoyed it, I couldn't help but notice some common problems with sci fi, running rampant in this movie.

For a little clarity I'm going to give you a quick run down of the opening of the movie then use that to explain some common mistakes that occur in sci fi stories that don't quite work. See if you can spot some of the problems as I explain. And if you get lost in the explanation skip to the bold *** section and see why you got lost.

Meet the parents

The movie opens with a narration and meeting Jupiter's parents as they first find each other. Dad likes science and astronomy, Mom likes that he's crazy and into science. Fast forward, boom Mom is pregnant, and Dad wants to name the kid Jupiter. Mom says you can't name a kid after a planet, and then they get robbed in their own home. Dad tries to stop them from getting his precious telescope and gets shot and SPOILER **DIES**. At this point we aren't sure what this has to do with the story other than how our main character came to be.

Meet Jupiter

Fast forward some more and here's Jupiter. She wakes up at 4:45 am every morning, cleans toilets with her mom in fancy homes, and dreams of something more. Her life is boring and it sucks. YAWN. We get it Jupiter doesn't like things as they are, and feels like she should have more out of life.

Meet the sibling aliens
We are on some beautiful planet with tall shiny buildings and it's deserted. Oh wait who are those two? They are wearing fancy clothes and talking about inheritance. A third guy materializes out of mid air. One guy wants to make a trade and the other thinks it's cause he squandered his inheritance. They seem to tolerate each other and be related, but we don't know who they are, why we should care about them, or what they have to do with Jupiter who we just met.

Jupiter and her cousin
We know Jupiter wants nice things and can't afford them so she is getting her eggs harvested cause she wants to buy a telescope like the one that got stolen from her Dad. Her skeevy cousin has talked her into this and is using her for money. Again why do we care? What does this have to do with Jupiter and her story.

Meet more crazy aliens
We have some new crazy aliens with cool hair and tattoos on a roof watching another alien on the ground. Oh he's got cool boots, he's called a something or other that I never caught the name of. And oh hey, we can't let him live, but we won't tell you why.

Alien with the cool boots uses some cool tech to walk through a solid door into a fertility clinic to look at some records.

Aliens on the roof descend to the ground, one has a cool hover bike.

Alien with the boots emerges with a cool energy shield and they all fight in this epic fight scene with laser weapons and hover boots, but we aren't quite sure why.

Jupiter sees aliens

We've got some crazy lady Jupiter works for and cue the aliens mind probing the weird lady. Jupiter takes a picture on her cell phone that she later can't remember.

Crazy alien sibling wants someone dead
Cue crazy alien sibling number one. He wants what's rightfully his. What is that? We aren't really sure. He also wants someone dead. We aren't sure who said person is or why.

Jupiter goes to get her eggs harvested, uses a fake name

The aliens find her and scan her. She's the one, let's kill her! Cue crazy alien with the hover boots and she's rescued in some grand fight/chase scene. It's super cool. I SWEAR! But I still have very little clue as to what's happening to her or why.

Jupiter wakes up with alien

Every time he opens his mouth, it's to explain the world as he knows it, and to explain how everything Jupiter knows is only a partial truth. He was sent to rescue her by some guy and cue the info dump.

***

Are you still here or did you get lost? If you got lost, there's no shame. I saw the whole movie, and I'm still not quite sure I understand what happened. The problem is, by this point we are so far down the rabbit hole, I'd say at least 30 to 40 minutes deep in this movie, and we have nothing to latch onto. There's a million different story lines and characters, and very little grounding. But hey everything looks really cool! They are trying to build this amazing world with awesome tech, and keep secrets from the audience, but in the process all they have done is create confusion and little connection to the characters. And spoiler, as the movie goes on every time an alien opens his or her mouth, there's more giant dumps of information.

So what went wrong?

Cool Scenery

Hey everything was gorgeous, visually stunning in fact, but none of it seemed to have any point in the story. In fact sometimes we had no idea what planet we were on or why it mattered. It very often gave the audience a "why are we here" and "why should we care" feeling.

Cool Tech

What is sci fi without cool tech? I love fun things like hover boots, hover bikes, and energy shields. But if it's just floating around early in the story to say hey this is different than the world we know today, and it doesn't seem to fit with in the context of the story, it will probably confuse your readers. Put the cool tech in by all means, but at least make some of it serve a purpose with the plot and/or characters.

Character Development

Sometimes we get so excited about sci fi and all the possibilities that we forget the reader needs to connect with our characters. We can throw cool characters in there, but if we have no reason to care about them or connect with them from the beginning, we as a reader are going to give up and move onto something else.

Dropped in the Action

Fight scenes, yes they are cool and full of action and excitement. The problem with them is, if they are done incorrectly, you feel dropped in the middle. Even worse when there's crazy tech and characters the audience doesn't care about, this creates chaos and confusion. We get those, "who are these people", "why are they fighting", and "why should we care" feelings. If you are going to have an action sequence or a cool fight scene make sure the reader is grounded in it so they know why the parties are fighting, and why it's so exciting.

Back Story

This is a common problem in a lot of books not just sci fi. That said, in Jupiter Ascending did we really need 20 minutes of movie to explain how Jupiter's parents met, how she came to be, and that her life sucks cause she cleans toilets? Nope. Sure it told us she had money problems, wanted greater things for her life, and got her to the clinic where she was attacked by aliens, but a much more interesting story may have shown Jupiter's struggle with money in some fun way and let the dad's telescope thing come out a little more organically.

Show vs Tell / Info Dumps

Now I put these together because they seem to go hand in hand. While sci fi can have slightly more telling than say a contemporary story, there still needs to be a balance between show and tell. There are ways to show different worlds, alien species, and what they are all about without telling the audience everything about them. And if every time an alien opens his or her mouth it's to dump a million pieces of information on the reader, then you are just going to overwhelm them with weird names, facts, and plot with a lot of unnecessary back story. So there needs to be a way the reader can be informed of the important information organically and gradually. It needs to be woven seamlessly throughout the story instead of like word vomit on the page.

All that said, Jupiter Ascending had a lot of potential. And if you take it for a visually stunning movie with some cool ideas then you will enjoy the movie. If you rip it apart for it's many plot problems, you may not like it as much. I found myself having to turn my brain off at times and just enjoy the pretty scenery and awesome technology. So if you write sci fi, use this as a lesson to create cohesive, exciting sci fi with awesome characters and a kick ass plot that unfolds before the readers eyes and entices them to keep reading.

Writing Contests Aren't Everything

I know we all get excited when we see writing contests that give us the opportunity to get our work in front of agents. I mean how cool would it be to get an agent through a contest? But I've got news for you. As great as contests are, they aren't the end all be all. They aren't the only path to finding an agent.

Contests are great learning experiences don't get me wrong. And you can meet loads of awesome writers, so by all means enter away. But make sure when you do, you don't agonize over them too much. Put all that energy into shining up your query, polishing your pages, absorbing all the writing tips you can, and building an awesome network of writers and critique partners.

Cause here's the thing, even if you make it into a contest and get in front of the agents, you might still come up empty. I've been there, all excited someone saw promise in my work only to get zero requests from the agents in the contest. It sucks, but rejection if part of the business.

So how is it possible that you busted your butt to get into a contest and then you get no requests? I have a theory, certainly subjectivity and marketability come into play here and what one person loves someone else might not, but sometimes it's a matter of who's involved. Sure you should be thoroughly researching the agents in contest before you enter to make sure a good chunk of the agents are looking for what you have. That said, when you're in a contest you're stuck with that limited set of agents.

On the other hand, when you query, you take control over who you submit to. You have the opportunity to show you've done your homework and to personalize your submission to each agent you send to. Many agents request pages in their submission guidelines and do read them which can also be to your benefit to submit more than just 250 words. (Yes, you should be able to hook someone in 250 words, but some agents are more forgiving than others if they see something there.) And you definitely get to submit your query, whereas in many contests you are limited to a short pitch. Sure, there's merit in being able to boil your book down to a sentence, but sometimes you need more real estate to really let your voice, and the unique aspects of your book shine.

The other advantage querying gives you is time. You can send them out in batches see how things go and reevaluate if needed. In contests it's a one shot deal. The submission windows are short, the contests don't usually last long, and you are often stuck showing agents what you sent in (although some contests have a rework/resubmit period it usually is on a tight deadline.) But when you query, you get rejections, and sometimes personalized feedback, and then you can take as much time as you need to perfect your submission package for the next round. Finding an agent is a marathon not a sprint so take every opportunity you can to perfect your work.

Another thing to consider about contests is there's a limited number of people selected. It's a firm number and a lot more people are going to enter than will actually get in. But if you query, an agent (or qualified intern) will see your work. And while they can only take on a limited number of clients, if they are open to queries, they are open to new clients. There's little limit to the number of requests they can make (other than reading time), and they can take on as many clients as they think they can adequately handle. So querying in many ways gives you a much larger window of opportunity.

So all that said, try not to stress too much about contests. I know easier said than done, we all stress over them, myself included, but take a minute and breathe. If you make it into a contest great! Congrats, someone saw something awesome in your work. If you get requests, even better you rock! But if you don't get requests or don't make it in, that doesn't mean your stuff isn't awesome or that someone didn't think your writing is good. Sure we all need to work on our craft, no one is perfect. But shine that sucker up and get into the query trenches. When the world shuts a door on you, go find a window to open. Cause let's face it, climbing out of windows is way more fun anyway. ;)

Synopsis Critique Seminar #1

After watching writer's struggle with synopsis writing, I decided to start Synopsis Critique Seminars where I post my critiques of the first half of writer's synopsis. Today I have my very first critique of Ashley's YA urban fantasy synopsis. A huge thank you to Ashley for being brave enough to share her synopsis critique with the world. I hope everyone finds these helpful for their own synopsis writing. If you are interested in getting a free critique on my blog please see this post.

As a preface, I will say tend to write lots of comments, ask questions, and try to include examples to explain what I'm talking about and help spur the writer. Since writing is so subjective it is important to note that this is one person's opinion/critique and the writer shouldn't feel obligated to use all or even any of the advice if they feel it doesn't resonate with them and their story.

Without further ado, here is my critique of Ashley's synopsis. My comments are in blue.

Right off the bat, she uses present tense, which is a good way to actively engage the reader in the story. Regardless of what tense your story is in, it's best to use present tense in a synopsis to highlight the action/excitement in the story and draw the reader into the plot.

Adam Shelley usually the first time a new character is introduced in a synopsis you put their name in all CAPS EX: ADAM SHELLEY is sick enough to spit tacks. While the first sentence made me sit up straight and take notice, I found it a little confusing. I can’t tell if he’s actually sick or just sick of something. Based on the next sentence it sounds like sick of being nagged, so maybe consider combining the thoughts in the first and second sentences to get the extra detail to really grab attention without confusing the reader. His Nana keeps riding his ass about the hordes of angry demons chasing him. Which is crap, because demons aren’t real. These last two sentences really help paint a better picture of Adam’s situation and have good voice. Also since this is YA I’d recommend adding Adam's age in the first paragraph.

Too bad his alchemist mom never told him about the devil’s deal she made— and broke— for a Philosopher’s Stone. While this first sentence has some voice I’d consider rewording it a bit to focus the situation from Adam’s perspective since he is the focus. Something like But Adam's mother made a deal with the devil to... (although I'd avoid the cliche I just put in there) After this part I was a little confused, did she break the deal to obtain a philosopher’s stone? And if so maybe a little bit more detail as to what she traded and how this is really going to affect Adam.  Otherwise, Adam might’ve thought twice before chucking his magical ‘mojo’ bag into the river. This last sentence confused me a bit. Adam doesn’t know there are demons but he does know about magic? And I’m not sure what getting rid of magic has to do with the deal his mother made, so if you can connect the two events I think that will help clear up the confusion. Although I’m not sure this sentence is necessary for advancing the plot and you may be able to cut it.

When the demons come to collect, they strew Adam’s guts over the southern oaks like tinsel. What are the demons coming to collect from Adam? And did they really scatter his guts or is that a figure of speech? Sometimes with fantasy and scifi it’s hard to tell literal from metaphorical so try to be as specific as possible. His house is destroyed. His mom is vaporized. The demons probably probably or do? If he isn’t sure maybe say something more like and all clues point to the demons running off with the stone. have the Philosopher’s Stone. And Adam... This reads like the demons have Adam but based on the next paragraph I think you mean that Adam died. If he dies and comes back to life I’d say that because it’s really interesting. Especially since his mom never told him he was immortal!  

By this point I’d also like to have a good idea what Adam’s conflict in the story is. I know he’s just discovered this whole demonic world and that his mother has lied to him, but what is Adam’s overall goal/conflict in the story? Why is Adam’s story so important and what is he trying to do?

Adam isn’t dead. His mom used the Elixir of Life to make him Immortal.

Now he’s caught in the crossfire between the demons and the Immortal Council, rulers of the Spirit World, who fear the Philosopher’s Stone could alter the balance between Heaven and Earth. Here’s the conflict I was looking for. Everything up until now seems like story setup. It’s important to know, however I think you are taking a tad too long to get to this point. So if you can set the story up in one paragraph with 3 or maybe 4 snappy sentences then get to this conflict you will have more time to explain the conflict and how Adam is going to try to resolve it. The Council grants Adam one-thousand days to retrieve the Stone or suffer eternal confinement in Hell. YIKES! This sets up his mission really well, and gives the stakes of the situation if he fails. Nice job!

With his days numbered, Adam and his brother, Nathan, NATHAN embark on the quest a quest to do what? Maybe just say set out to find the stone. That way there is no confusion on what they are doing. alongside their friend, Lilith, and her dad. This is a place where a little more transition would be helpful. So they start their quest, where do they begin? How’s it going? Then we can get to this Halloween party and see why Adam might need some normalcy and doesn’t really get it. But when Adam goes to a Halloween party desperate for some normalcy, a psychotic chemistry teacher finds him in the woods, completely wasted. Why is it important that the chem teacher finds him wasted? The hideously scarred man, Dr. Allan, proves Adam’s blood has the power to turn base metals to gold. Is Dr. Allan the chem teacher? If so introduce him in the previous sentence when he first appears. Also I’m not sure how we got from being found in the woods to his blood. Help connect the pieces for the reader. Just like a Philosopher’s Stone. <- This is really cool!

Adam believes this crackpot chemistry teacher is his key to finding the Stone, so he enlists Nathan and Lilith to investigate him during a basketball game. This is a good next step, a little more detail might help, flush the story out a little more, what makes him think this? What they learn changes everything.<- I’d delete this sentence. It doesn’t tell the reader anything and is taking up space. It’s much better to say what they learn and therefore this shows what is about to change. Dr. Allan is Adam and Nathan’s estranged father. This is a great point for a big reveal. Nice job not holding anything back.

Adam isn’t sure who to trust isn’t sure who or isn’t sure if he can trust his estranged dad? and with no clue where the demons are hiding grows increasingly more moody. I’m not sure you need to tell us Adam is moody, I think saying that he doesn’t know who to trust and doesn’t know where to look for the demons shows that he is frustrated. I think that’s enough. After Lilith’s dad is poisoned at basketball practice, a demon reveals Dr. Allan sold them out. Here’s another place where you jumped a little bit too far ahead in the story. What’s the important piece here that propels the story. That Dr. Allan sold them out. So in order to connect that, can you show that Adam trusted Dr. Allan and then show the betrayal which I’m guessing is poisoning Lilith’s dad. They’ve who is they? The demons? taken Adam’s girlfriend hostage and demand he turn himself over. Uh oh things are looking pretty grim for Adam. I’m assuming they did this to flush out Adam for their own purposes? If you can give a little insight here into the antagonists motivations that might help show how bad things really are for Adam. Adam doesn’t understand why. He was supposed to be after them, not the other way around. I’d cut these last two sentences. I don’t think they add to the overall progression of the story.

From here, Ashley continues on to explain how the book ends as any synopsis should. But for the sake of not spoiling the end of the story, she's requested that I not post the final paragraphs.

A few things that I noticed with this synopsis:

• Ashley did a good job of setting up her story and showing Adam in his world. It could however, be tightened a little to give her more space to talk about the conflict and story. 
• She did a great job of sharing important details in the story and didn't hold back. Overall, she's got the all important plot points in her story identified, which is the hardest part when writing a synopsis. Now if she flushes them out a bit more the reader will really have a good understanding of the full picture and Adam's conflict.
• She had good voice. Synopsis often read really bland and sometimes seem like the writer is saying "and then this happens and then that happens." This synopsis didn't do that which is great.
• Ashley does a good job of explaining Adam's conflict and giving the stakes. What he has to do, the time frame he has and what happens if he fails his mission. All important points to include in a synopsis.

Thanks again to Ashley for sharing her synopsis and critique. Feel free to post additional feedback you might have for her, but remember to keep it respectful. This is a learning experience for all.

I hope everyone found this helpful and I hope to have another critique soon.